Oh great its snowing lets all put on our hunters and Barbour jackets and take the Labrador for a walk.
You've done that already?..
All of you?...
2cm of snow and you can't escape the 's' word. Its absolutely everywhere, the news, facebook, twitter, you name it. Shit.
I don't know how anybody who watched this years Christmas special of Doctor Who can feel comfortable in the snow. Snowmen that eat people. SNOWMEN THAT EAT PEOPLE. Not even Gabrielle Aplin's voice could sooth the thought of having your whole family eaten by the cold hearted bastard.
I built my first snowman of the year not 20 minutes ago, and the frosty fucker's already pissed off to John Lewis for some 'January Sale' shopping.
I hate the snow. Its cold, its wet and its miserable. I'm not even ashamed to admit it.
Realistically speaking, British snow isn't magical and beautiful and lovely like the snow from 'Home Alone'. It will look nice for a little while (3 hours max) then it will melt and become slippery, grey slush. Slush that will ruin your new leather shoes and make you fall flat on your ass in the middle of the high street. This undoubtedly results in more and more 'Injury lawyers 4 U' adverts on the TV. Please mother nature, anything but injury lawyers 4 U.
If at any point over the next few days you're about to check Instagram, I can save you some time, EVERYBODY YOU KNOW HAS JUST UPLOADED A PHOTO OF THE SNOW. What's that feeling deep down in your stomach? Thats a happy mixture of satisfaction and gratitude. I just saved two minutes of your life. You can thank me later.
I got so desperate to escape the snow earlier this afternoon that I tried climbing back through my wardrobe, hoping to find a countryside estate from during the war. Unfortunately I am not in Narnia, I'm in Oxshott, so all I got was a bruise and a headache.
Until next time (unless you are eaten by a snowman, slip in the slush and break your neck or simply kill yourself to escape from this snowy hell hole)
Thanks to cognitive dissonance, the extent to which the Olympics 'didn't suck' may have saved the British public's memory of 2012. When asked what they thought of 2012, I can guarantee that the majority of people's first thought will be about the Olympics, and how 'amazing' it was.
This is not altogether a bad thing. It would be a little bit strange if somebody's initial response was 'well the Leveson Inquiry was a bit of a balls up wasn't it' or 'Shame about that Kony chap'.
2012 didn't get off to the best of starts, however, with the Italian cruise ship 'Costa Concordia' running aground in January. The actual story wasn't particularly interesting in itself, the real highlight was how the American programme 'Entertainment Tonight' decided to cover the story, labelling it 'The Real Life Titanic'. Yes, you did read that correctly, and here is proof:
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when somebody broke the news to whoever wrote that script, that the Titanic was actually a real story, and not just a fictional boat invented by James Cameron.
In May 2012, BBC gave birth to 'The Voice', a 'revolutionary' new television talent show. From where I was sitting, the only thing 'revolutionary' about it were the judges chairs. I watched one episode of the voice, and my only reaction was un-following Will.I.Am on twitter, losing any respect for Jessie J and deleting 'The Script' from my iPod. Hardly revolutionary.
The most bizarre thing to come out of 2012 has to be the general publics changing opinion on perverts and sexual deviants. This is all thanks to the sensation that was '50 shades of Grey'. I don't know what changed, but all of a sudden people everywhere were disregarding everything their parents had brought them up to believe, by reading the raunchy book in public. You may as well go around wearing a big badge that says 'Im horny and don't have enough sex'. Shameless. I sat next to an old man, on the flight back to London from Turkey, who spent the whole journey reading the book. This is not okay. The worst part is that he was sitting next to a young girl, who seemed to be his granddaughter. Am I the only person that is questioning the author E.L.James? I hope she doesn't have any children, they would be awfully bullied at school.
Whatever happened to Joseph Kony in the end? I, along with over 95 million other people, watched the video and got pretty worked up about the whole thing. When I say worked up, I mean I tweeted it and bought a wrist band. #VivaLaRevolution. I suppose it kind of takes the steam out of a revolution like that when the leader gets arrested for running around San Diego naked screaming about the devil. Shit happens. I wonder if Kony ever watched the video?
I reckon Kony hired Psy to write Gangnam style just to take some of the viral video pressure off of him. The only benefit of Gangnam style that I can notice is that it has made it even easier to identify dickheads in nightclubs. Fuck right off.
I have an image in my head of Joseph Kony and Psy doing the Gangam Style dance together, in hell.
My favourite viral video of the year, however, has to be Saturday Night Live's take of the recent Chanel advertising campaign with Brad Pitt. I've always liked Brad Pitt, but there is no denying that the advert is awful.
2012 was not a good year to be called Jimmy. Jimmy Carr found himself in a spot of bother when he 'forgot' to do his tax, and Jimmy Savile confirmed what people had been accusing him of for decades. At one point, it seemed that every time you turned on the news, or opened a newspaper, somebody else had confessed to being abused by Savile. The strangest part of the whole story was that some people were suprised at the revelations. Have these people not seen Jimmy Savile? If you look up the term 'pedophile' in the dictionary, it just says "see Jimmy Savile".
'Savilegate' was the beginning of a mass 'witch hunt' for pedophiles in Britain, particularly relating to the BBC. I think it would save a lot of money if we got rid of the whole 'trial' system relating to pedophilia and genuinely treated them as witches. In medieval times, if a woman was suspected of being a witch, they would be drowned or burnt alive. If they survived the burning/drowning process, then they were guilty, but if they died they were proven innocent. At least it would make good telly.
Whoever thought 'making the Queen stand on a boat for 6 hours in the rain' was a good way of celebrating her diamond Jubilee deserves a slap. If someone suggested I stand up for so long in the rain and cold and wind, I'd tell them to Fuck right off, and i'm not an 86 year old woman. It was as if poor old Liz was getting water boarded by mother nature. The only noticeable benefit from the fiasco was that Comedians from all over Britain took inspiration from their monarch regarding 'stand up'. YES THAT PUN JUST HAPPENED.
The thing I find most interesting about the Olympics is how such an 'epic' event can soon turn to make me feel so nauseous whenever its mentioned. Now that it was 'last year' I don't really know what the British media is going to talk about for the whole of 2013. There can only be so much speculation about Royal Baby names.
Its all well and good having Olympic heroes such as Mo Farah and Jessica Ennis as 'Role Models' for millions of young children, but in reality, its a pretty bloody useless aspiration. "One day I dream of being good enough to throw a stick really far every four years". Not exactly what the country needs to help us say, I don't know, get out of recession.
Most people will tell you how 'amazing London was during the Olympics'. I disagree. I thought it was bloody disconcerting. Everybody was smiling. Everybody was happy. PEOPLE WERE TALKING TO EACH OTHER ON THE TUBE. Call me a pessimist but this is not right. This is not the London that I love. Even the traffic wasn't bad. I don't know how he did it, but Boris Johnson pulled off some kind of miracle.
One thing that nobody can fault was the extraordinary wave of patriotism flowing around the country during the Olympics. We were winning things. Everybody knows that America and China don't really count during the Olympics, so technically speaking 'Team GB' won. It was like one big slow motion montage of awesomeness. The level of patriotism at the closing ceremony was so amazingly strong, Boris Johnson could have led us on a crusade around Europe, and we would have fucking smashed it.
Just to top it all off, and really truly make 2012 a great year to remember, the world didn't end. Apocalypse has the ability to ruin, even the most amazing of times, but fortunately this was not the case.
One thing that annoys me more than just about anything else in the world is when people don't reply to messages. Being able to tell whether somebody has read your message or not can be frustrating enough to make you want to walk blindfolded across the M25.
This used to be one of the main reasons I never had a Blackberry. When I ask my friends why Blackberrys are so much better than iPhones, they all said the same thing:
"But whats so special about BBM" I would ask, inquisitively.
"Oh its the best, you can tell when they've read your messages and stuff".
I shit you not, I've had this conversation a depressing amount of times.
Essentially all this does is make it visibly clear when somebody is no longer interested in a conversation. Its not even subtle, if two people are having a conversation face to face, and all of a sudden half of the pair decides that they don't want to continue, that person would (the majority of the time) wait until the opportune moment, smile, maybe make up an excuse and then politely leave. The little 'R' or 'Read' or 'Seen' mark to the side of whatever message you're receiving is nothing but a giant, ugly, modern 'Fuck you' to the system that so many generations of 'small talkers' have perfected over the years.
Lets put it into the context of a real conversation:
Laura: "Hello Mark"
Mark: "Hello Laura"
Laura: "How are you?"
Mark: .....looks Laura dead in the eye, acknowledges what she has said, turns, and walks away
Mark is a prick.
Who even does that?
After such a horrifying experience, Laura is probably going to go home and take a bath with the toaster.
Why the name 'Mark' I hear everyone shouting. When you're talking to somebody on Facebook, not only does it tell you that they have 'seen' your message, it also says THE EXACT TIME THAT THEY READ IT.
This is especially useful when you are trying to gage exactly how long it has been since somebody realised they no longer wish to talk to you.
Helpful for those (such as Laura) who want to go into really precise detail when writing their suicide notes.
Interviewers nowadays always ask the same banal questions, consistently making the subject of the interview seem unbelievably boring. I think you can learn everything you need to know about a person from the 5 questions below:
1. Whats the most Weetabix that you've ever eaten in one sitting?
2. What are your favourite type of socks?
3. How do you feel about cucumber sandwiches?
4. When is gin o'clock?
5. Carpet or wooden panelling?
I have come up with an incredibly complex questionnaire that I believe could solve your current issues surrounding gun control. All that needs to be done to save your country is replace the current 'gun application form' with my new model. I understand that some of the technicalities are incredibly advanced, but this is simply due to the undeniably multifarious nature of subject. I have printed a copy of the revised form below:
Gun Application Form: Question 1 - Are you a murderer? (Yes/No)
The main objective of the questionnaire is to ascertain whether the customer is in fact a murderer. If the subject answers 'Yes' I would advise shopkeepers to not sell him/her the gun.